Can still Dance
And Grandma Still Drives
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a?’Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a?thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. ??Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in?thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the?light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t?honked, I’d never have noticed. ??I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,?and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of? God!’ ??’Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’ ?What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! ?Everyone started honking! ??I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those ?loving people. ??I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him? yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger?stuck up in the air. ??I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. ??He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. ?Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window?and gave him the good luck sign right back. ??My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! ??A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that? they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. ??I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is ?when I noticed the light had changed. ??So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on?through the intersection. ?I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection ?before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave ?them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the?Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord?for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
You Got Male
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You got Male!”
Trust your Doctor?
An older gentleman was on the operating table Awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, A renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia
He asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son;Do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well,if something happens to me, your mother is going to come And live with you and your wife….”
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered,
‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!!.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…
the husband became 92 years old.
THE SENIOR AND THE NEW CAR
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he floored it to 80 mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,”and pulled over to await the Trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida StateTrooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the Trooper.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
“You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
“Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”
Poor Old Man
This old man goes to the doctor’s.
“Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I can’t remember where I live.”
The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.
As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
“I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
“Mrs.. Jones, you haven’t seen the room…just wait.”
“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged… it’s how I arrange my mind.
I already decided to love it “It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do?
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away … just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank: you withdraw from what you’ve put in? So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank of memories.
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply
4. Give more unconditionally.
5. Expect less.
Why Are Senior Citizens so Valuable
Senior Citizens Are Valuable
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
What to buy for Seniors the next Wedding you attend
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
We have only one regret at our age
The Jewish Grandmother
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He’s playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there ..he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven’t I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven’t I been a wonderful mother? Haven’t I kept a kosher home? Haven’t I given to charity? Haven’t I lit candles every Friday night? Haven’t I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, “All right already!”
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. “I have returned your grandson. Are you
She responds, “He had a hat.”
Why Nuns Should Drink
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.
Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked in earnest, please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“You’re coming empty handed?”
At The Grandparents
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION… I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”
Married 60 Years
A man was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use the teeth.”
There’s an old man sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like > that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the old man, and just drinks it all down.
The poor old man man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing an old man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the
building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do
nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and
when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come
to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show
up and drink my poison…”
A little boy greeted his grandmother at the door when she had come for a visit with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
The Frog and the Old Man
A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he
heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He
thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and
there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful
woman you have ever seen.
I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and
jealous because you will have me as your bride.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his
front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you
hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
We can guess your age
Outside a nursing home, an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, the grandpa dropped his drawers.
The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!”
“How in the world did you guess?!?” he gasped in amazement.
The grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison: “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!!”
My Living Will
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
Auto Safety Info
The National Roads Safety Council has done
extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results
show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below…
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!
FOR MY OVER 50 FRIENDS, WHO NEED A LAUGH EVERY NOW AND THEN:
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.
An Old Fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
Think Like a Woman
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked
“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
The New Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
Knock on Wood
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.
The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood!” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
Colonoscopies are no joke
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous…..
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
12. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”
And the best one of all..
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
Bowl of Water
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’
“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm’ there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”.
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
GRANDMA AND THE NUDIST COLONY
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style? It makes makes your nose look too short.”
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have? suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that is red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
You Never Know Who May Be Listening…
An elderly man who was very hard of hearing went to his doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid.
With his new aid, his hearing improved 100 percent. When he returned to the doctor for his monthly check-up, the doctor asked how the man’s family felt about his new and improved hearing.
The man smiled and replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A Little Girl and Wrinkles
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the little girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days, isn’t He?”
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper
But it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in
a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s
time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it
will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too
old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
A Round of Golf
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the
second, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for
The second guy says, “Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.”
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to
his buddy and says, “Did you see it?”.
“Sure!”, says his buddy.
“Where did it go?”, the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, “I can’t remember.”
The Memory Test
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is
three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s
three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did
you get that?”
Jewish rye bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy
The 87 year old said “Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you
have any Jewish rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?”
He said, “Yes, I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it’ll be hard”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
stuff but me.”
The BathTub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the
bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?”
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!” Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Sporting Goods Shop
A woman goes into a Sporting Goods Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandfather’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
An elderly associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’
He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’ She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ‘That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.’
She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!’ As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
‘Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,’ he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $34.50 please.’
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?’
He replies,’ Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.’
The Rabbl’s Advice
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You still want my advice?”
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
“Take the poison.”
How to Start a Fight!
There I was on my way to work … getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind … wasn’t even on the horizon … I was in a great mood … and then … I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car … (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it … he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”
So, I look down at him and say, “Well, which one are you then?”
Grandma goes to Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” He exclaimed.
“This is My Love Dress.” She replied.
“Needs ironing.” he said.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with: “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One woman turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh, sure I do.”
The first old woman asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
… After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“For what did they put you in prison?”
He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”
A group of Sun City Senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
“My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee”, said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee”, replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck”, said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God, we can all still drive”!
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”
To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes, and I think it’s these darned wicker chairs.”
At the Doctor’s Office
The old man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist
asked him what he had. The old man said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down
his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked the old man what he had.
The old man said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down height, weight, a complete medical history and told the old man to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked the old man what he
had. The old man said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave the old man a blood test, a
blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told the old man to take off
all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found the old man sitting
patiently in the nude and asked the old man what he had. The old man said,
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
The old man said,
‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’
A Long Walk
Reporter: “So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?”
Old man: “Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefited most by 79 years of fresh air.”
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated .
She asked the teller,
“Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too.”
Horse or Chicken?
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.
“I am.” said the man.
“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”
The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”
“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.
“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.
Take Thee to a Nunnery..
Sitting behind some nuns (whose habits partially blocked their view) at a hockey game,
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, ‘I think I’m going to move to Utah,
there are only 100 nuns living there.’
The second guy spoke up and said, ‘I want to go to Montana , there are only 50 nuns living there.’
The third guy said, ‘I want to go to Idaho , there are only 25 nuns living there.’
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said,
‘Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any nuns there!’
Hospital Regulations Require a Wheel Chair
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the
secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That’s once.”
“We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.”
We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What’s wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?”
She looked at me, and quietly said, “That’s once.”
“And from that moment… we have lived happily ever after.”
You Better Listen!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she’s not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘For reading a book,’ she replies,
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with Sexual assault,’ says the woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
Laughing and Age
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.”
At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered
that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
‘Do you want to go up or down?’
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, ‘Up or down ?’
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, ‘Up or down ?’
The woman replied, ‘Down.’
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, ‘Up or down ?’
She replied, ‘Up.’
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, ‘What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!’
She replied, ‘Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown.’
This May make you cry
What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . ..
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:
‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’
Rebecca- age 8
‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’
Billy – age 4
‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’
Karl – age 5
‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’
Chrissy – age 6
‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’
Terri – age 4
‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.’
Danny – age 7
‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’
Emily – age 8
‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.’
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,’
Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’
Noelle – age 7
‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’
Tommy – age 6
‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’
Cindy – age 8
‘My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’
Clare – age 6
‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’
Chris – age 7
‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’
Mary Ann – age 4
‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’
Lauren – age 4
‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image)
Karen – age 7
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’
Mark – age 6
‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’
Jessica – age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
‘Nothing, I just helped him cry’
An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”
“Why not?” he asked.
She answered, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband asked…
“What are you talking about?
We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!”
She said, “No, I’m definitely dead.”
He insisted, “You are not dead.
What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”
A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her
bed and laughing with pure delight.
Her husband watches for a few minutes and asks: “Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says:
“I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says that, not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts
of an 18 year old.”
The husband asks: “What did he say about the 50 year old ass?”
She replies: “Your name never came up.”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with
congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door
by a strikingly beautiful young blonde
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had
a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup’s bottom edge. ‘…All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ……but what’s the dollar for?’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day …and that we should do
something special for you.
I asked him what to give you?’
He said, “…Screw him ……give him a dollar.”
The blonde then blushed and said, ‘….But the breakfast was my idea.’
You thought lawyers were smart
Need Help, Call Jesus
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.